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Dear Liz,
I am aiming for band 7 in writing general module. Could please check this piece of introduction writing will reach me to the requisite band or not.
Thank you in advance.

"Why not?" I said. "It makes perfect sense to me."

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Don’t put unnecessary information into your introduction. The second sentence is unnecessary. Make sure you restate your opinion in the body paragraph with the side you agree with. Be careful with vocabulary “wastage of time” don’t paraphrase unnecessarily and incorrectly. Please watch my video about paraphrase because you are making some elementary errors:
Liz

Impeccable grades and test scores alone are no longer enough to set students apart from the crowd.
There is still no better way to introduce yourself than through an admission essay.

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There are ten parts of speech, and they are all troublesome. An averagesentence, in a German newspaper, is a sublime and impressive curiosity; itoccupies a quarter of a column; it contains all the ten parts of speech -- notin regular order, but mixed; it is built mainly of compound words constructedby the writer on the spot, and not to be found in any dictionary -- six orseven words compacted into one, without joint or seam -- that is, withouthyphens; it treats of fourteen or fifteen different subjects, each inclosed ina parenthesis of its own, with here and there extra parentheses whichreinclose three or four of the minor parentheses, making pens within pens:finally, all the parentheses and reparentheses are massed together between acouple of king-parentheses, one of which is placed in the first line of themajestic sentence and the other in the middle of the last line of it --after which comes the VERB, and you find out for the first time whatthe man has been talking about; and after the verb -- merely by way ofornament, as far as I can make out -- the writer shovels in "haben sindgewesen gehabt haben geworden sein," or words to that effect, and themonument is finished. I suppose that this closing hurrah is in the nature ofthe flourish to a man's signature -- not necessary, but pretty. German booksare easy enough to read when you hold them before the looking-glass or standon your head -- so as to reverse the construction -- but I think that to learnto read and understand a German newspaper is a thing which must always remainan impossibility to a foreigner.

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But in our newspapers the compounding-disease lingers a little to thepresent day, but with the hyphens left out, in the German fashion. This isthe shape it takes: instead of saying "Mr. Simmons, clerk of the county anddistrict courts, was in town yesterday," the new form put it thus: "Clerk ofthe County and District Courts Simmons was in town yesterday." This savesneither time nor ink, and has an awkward sound besides. One often sees aremark like this in our papers: "Mrs. Assistant District AttorneyJohnson returned to her city residence yesterday for the season." That is acase of really unjustifiable compounding; because it not only saves no time ortrouble, but confers a title on Mrs. Johnson which she has no right to. Butthese little instances are trifles indeed, contrasted with the ponderous anddismal German system of piling jumbled compounds together. I wish to submitthe following local item, from a Mannheim journal, by way of illustration: